Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
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One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.