Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
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coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda