Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
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1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Best spoiler warning ever
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I’m confused about plants
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?