Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
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I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.