Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
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Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
*limbos under the caution tape
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way