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Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Y’all know who you are.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
when dads have a rap battle
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
This meeting could have been a cake
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?