HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
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Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…