– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
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Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*