He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
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“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Never let them know your next move 😂
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money