My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
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The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.
You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names!
[she knocks over my dead hamster’s shrine]
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
[watching our kid play at the park]
ME: awww, he got your anxiety with strangers
HIM: and look, your irrational fear of birds!
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.