He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
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the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
The funk soul brother
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”