Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Parentpains

In Canada, a drive by shooting is just a guy using finger guns while winking at a chick he has no chance with.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

@edgarrants

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

@WeedlordKrillin

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

@Browtweaten

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

@TheBoydP

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

@mikeleffingwell

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

@WittySassBasket

*walks in on family gathering*

I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD

@ibid78

*shaves ‘I ? Dogs’ into my chest hair for the Westminster Dog Show but just as I take my shirt off a car full of cats rolls up*