In Canada, a drive by shooting is just a guy using finger guns while winking at a chick he has no chance with.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
You Might Also Like
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
*shaves ‘I ? Dogs’ into my chest hair for the Westminster Dog Show but just as I take my shirt off a car full of cats rolls up*