“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
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From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
The Wolf of Wall Street.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”