ME: Do you want children?
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
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Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
she means break a leg..
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
It really creeps me out the way my neighbor stares at me when I’m looking through her window.