“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
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[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
My inexpensive home security system…
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*