He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
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They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.