Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
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her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours