He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
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Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.