He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
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I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Weirdly Wednesday.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Hey Fugeddaboutit
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
*launders Kohls cash*
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.