He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
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Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.