He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

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[first guy to play an accordion]
i bet i could use this to get sharon to divorce me


When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.


*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE


professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger


Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is


Been told I’m a pretty awful human being.
I stopped listening after he said I was pretty.


“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans


When I go to a restaurant, I stare at the menu for 10 minutes, and then order the exact same thing I did the last 20 times I’ve been there.