He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
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While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?