[first guy to play an accordion]
i bet i could use this to get sharon to divorce me
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
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When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Been told I’m a pretty awful human being.
I stopped listening after he said I was pretty.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
When I go to a restaurant, I stare at the menu for 10 minutes, and then order the exact same thing I did the last 20 times I’ve been there.