@RidiculousSheri

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

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@sonictyrant

[first guy to play an accordion]
i bet i could use this to get sharon to divorce me

@causticbob

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

@OBiiieeee

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

@JodingersCat

Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is

@BritXNic

Been told I’m a pretty awful human being.
I stopped listening after he said I was pretty.

@Jake_Vig

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

@Rollinintheseat

When I go to a restaurant, I stare at the menu for 10 minutes, and then order the exact same thing I did the last 20 times I’ve been there.