@RidiculousSheri

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

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@Lola_Areola

Accidentally picked up two traffic cones instead of my children again

@SteveKoehler22

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

@AimeeHelene1

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

@KKAlThani

Owls always look like they’ve just found out that they’ve been cheated on.

@CakeThrottle

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

@PetrickSara

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

@lottie_fly_x

Me: it’s sunny! Maybe I’ll get a tan!

My face: *activate freckles*