He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

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Accidentally picked up two traffic cones instead of my children again


Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.


If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!


Owls always look like they’ve just found out that they’ve been cheated on.


My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.


Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.


Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…


Me: it’s sunny! Maybe I’ll get a tan!

My face: *activate freckles*