He died doing what he loved: being alive

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In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.


*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes


PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)


Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.


What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.


Arguing with religious people is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a potato.


parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!


Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.


[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone


If I say “I don’t know, let me look”, I’m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you’re on hold.