He died doing what he loved: being alive
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[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
technically true but not a great slogan
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Name another movie that mislead you?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?