@PanicRestroom

He died doing what he loved: being alive

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@jackiembouvier

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

@squirrel74wkgn

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

@ficklenuts

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

@ellewasamistake

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

@CMHorrocks

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

@LaziestCanine

[on intercom]

Pilot: does anyone know how to land an airplane? asking for a friend, i swear

@johncheese

I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, “Get dressed and grab your gun — they found him.”

@YuckyTom

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]