@PanicRestroom

He died doing what he loved: being alive

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@L8yK8y

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

@lazerdoov

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

@jonnysun

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

@KentWGraham

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

@yassinovic89

What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

@Schmoodles

Arguing with religious people is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a potato.

@MattTheBrand

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

@kentgrossarth

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

@ericsshadow

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

@thexythara

If I say “I don’t know, let me look”, I’m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you’re on hold.