They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
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[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Mos Def (Most Definitely.)
Hi Def (High. Definitely.)
Pilot: does anyone know how to land an airplane? asking for a friend, i swear
I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, “Get dressed and grab your gun — they found him.”
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]