He died doing what he loved: being alive
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If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021