My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
He died doing what he loved: checking to see if wolves are ticklish.
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ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
STAR WARS SPOILERS Admiral Ackbar has gained quite a bit of weight and everyone calls him “Admiral Snackbar”