@ibid78

He died doing what he loved: checking to see if wolves are ticklish.

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@Donna_McCoy

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

@FeelingEuphoric

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

@KeetPotato

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

@IvoryGazelle

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

@sip_at_home_mom

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

@GinAndJif

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

@professorkiosk

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

@KenJennings

STAR WARS SPOILERS Admiral Ackbar has gained quite a bit of weight and everyone calls him “Admiral Snackbar”