He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
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Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom