He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
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I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.