Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X