@shanethevein

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

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@cbdoubleu

Not to brag, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city.

*enters initials

@Harbinger_one

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

@aka_fatman

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

@OfficeofSteve

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

@iwearaonesie

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

@tiReynard

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

@clichedout

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

@juneohara65

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

@novicefather

I’m at my most audacious and brazen when I shamelessly use words like audacious and brazen.

@fro_vo

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*