Not to brag, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
You Might Also Like
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
wife:We have more than one
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I’m at my most audacious and brazen when I shamelessly use words like audacious and brazen.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
*opens another beer*