He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
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ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
ACED my prostate exam!
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!