“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
You Might Also Like
I hope this email finds you in a well
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
I love you…
…r dog.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes