He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
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For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
😩😩😩
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.