Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
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[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
S O O N
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3