@chapel3929

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

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@_Seyifunmi_1NG

I donโ€™t care how bad my relationship is going. I will never call a radio station for advice😂.

@TheBoydP

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

@bridger_w

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

@KrunkedRobot

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

@pdxjohnny99

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

@Browtweaten

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

@seanyeatts

Growing up means you start to find it creepy that your dad’s pet name for your mom is “Squirty”

@Home_Halfway

Why do we call it “hiring a hitman” and not “ordering takeout”

@StymieBrewer

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

@gwatts77

Facebook people don’t like Twitter because they need picture illustrations to understand the joke.