He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

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I donโ€™t care how bad my relationship is going. I will never call a radio station for advice😂.


Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…


To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me


Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.


You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run


[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno


Growing up means you start to find it creepy that your dad’s pet name for your mom is “Squirty”


Why do we call it “hiring a hitman” and not “ordering takeout”


Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.


Facebook people don’t like Twitter because they need picture illustrations to understand the joke.