He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
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PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
#damn
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.