I don’t care how bad my relationship is going. I will never call a radio station for advice😂.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
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Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Growing up means you start to find it creepy that your dad’s pet name for your mom is “Squirty”
Why do we call it “hiring a hitman” and not “ordering takeout”
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Facebook people don’t like Twitter because they need picture illustrations to understand the joke.