He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
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*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Baller is short for ballerina
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball