@bingowings14

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

- @bingowings14

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@HenpeckedHal

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

@Cheeseboy22

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

@TheAlexNevil

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

@Darlainky

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

@CornOnTheGoblin

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

@stuckinaportal

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

@roxiqt

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

@Tylerosis

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

@garrydavenport

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.