He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Just this preview of the story is enough
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me: