He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
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Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
what it’s like dating me:
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.