He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
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[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
A family that plays together cheats.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!