He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
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you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
no their not
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Two types of dogs.