He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
You Might Also Like
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”