He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater

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H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.


[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*


“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership


My waterslide technique has been described as ‘oafish’, ‘dangerous’ and ‘how did you get into the penguin enclosure’.


Why must people look at me so strangely when I dance in my car to the music they are playing in their car?


When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.


I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.


Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.


bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no


“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*