@CornOnTheGoblin

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater

You Might Also Like

@PinkCamoTO

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

@ThisOneSayz

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

@bea_ker

My waterslide technique has been described as ‘oafish’, ‘dangerous’ and ‘how did you get into the penguin enclosure’.

@plainsongcure

Why must people look at me so strangely when I dance in my car to the music they are playing in their car?

@serenehavoc

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

@Jenny4ashley

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

@amydillon

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

@PhriendlyCody

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

@pradacid

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*