He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater

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So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.


A street light near me has gone missing so I’ve taped posters to all of the local cats.


High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.


The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now


GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*


Twitter…because if it can’t be described in 140 characters or less, did it really ever happen?


Me: Now what’s the rule, son?

11yo: *sighs* If his first album came out after 2000, I can’t call him a rapper.

Me: You’re learning…


I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah


ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury