@david8hughes

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

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@philmann

Crabs can’t eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

@SvnSxty

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

@LackOfShame

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

@3sunzzz

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

@SilverKick

It’s always good to know what’s happening in astrology. When nothing seems to be going right, you can blame the stars.

@Jmboyd58

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.