@david8hughes

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

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@debon7

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

@sad_tree

*sends signal to space 24/7 that just says Updog*
*aliens respond*
Alien: Whats Updog?
NASA: Lol guess there isnt intelligent life out there

@CarrieMayhem

I’m not stalking you. I’m getting to know you behind your back.

@BuckyIsotope

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

@Darlainky

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

@JohnFugelsang

Car in front of me at red light has a bumper sticker says ‘honk if you love Jesus.’ So I honk. Then he gives me the finger.

@sameblacklist

There should be an eBay for evil people so they can purchase evil people stuff without having their motives questioned.

@momjeansplease

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

@aligarchy

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel