He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
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“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Why would I want to fund a crowd?