Crabs can’t eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
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Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
It’s always good to know what’s happening in astrology. When nothing seems to be going right, you can blame the stars.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Girls who say bestie are the worstie.