It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
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Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
“911 what’s your emergency?”
– I’ve been catfished by a dozen men
“We’re on our way”
– Gonna arrest them?
“Gonna shut off your internet”
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Although no words have been spoken per se, I’m pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”