HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
This is hilarious….
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
so much to do
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
