“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
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My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.
Me: How many more until you get a personality?
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.