Judge: *whispering* pls stop introducing yourself like this just because u work in my chambers it doesn’t m-
Me: YES HI IM HIS CHAMBERMAID
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
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Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?
9: *tells story*
Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
She often thinks about what life may have been outside the asylum, had the cashier refrained from putting her change on top of the receipt.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
My neighbor is having a nice party with loud music and everyone is having fun I should call the cops
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”