@felixoshea

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

You Might Also Like

@Bipartisanism

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

@Lucky_Leftovers

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

@KimmyMonte

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

@Shade510

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

@OfficialMizGin

Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.

Me: How many more until you get a personality?

@QwertyJones3

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

@HaliPhacks

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.