Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
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Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Who chose this font
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
My therapist after every session
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.