He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
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That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”