Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
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me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Saturday
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Breaking news:
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine