If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
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Apparently there’s this Pokemon character that’s a pile of garbage with a face so now I’m famous I guess.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
My grandpa use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school.
I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult.
So yeah….kids are stupid.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Him: ‘Sorry Mr Hill, no last minute call from the Governor. Any last words?’
Me: -whimpering ‘She squeezed the toothpaste from the middle’