He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

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If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.


Apparently there’s this Pokemon character that’s a pile of garbage with a face so now I’m famous I guess.


Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?


My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.


Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.


My grandpa use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school.

I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels!


When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult.

So yeah….kids are stupid.


6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*


Him: ‘Sorry Mr Hill, no last minute call from the Governor. Any last words?’

Me: -whimpering ‘She squeezed the toothpaste from the middle’