He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
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“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Some people were born into their job.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead