He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
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Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’