{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
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Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
the only organized thing in my life is crime
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Love is in the air fryer.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.