Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
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You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere