*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
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If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*