He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
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I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold