@Try2StopME

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

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@huntigula

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

@Cheeseboy22

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

@AComicTragedy

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

@hobo_hands

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

@tombrodude

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

@_elvishpresley_

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

@BillPelicanBros

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

@_elvishpresley_

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

@ladybroseph

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*